Not the Right Time

We decided more than a year ago to add to our family, but had to wait until I returned from deployment. Jason and I have been trying to have a sibling for Gibson for a few months. Every newborn and maternity session made me excited and I’d think about myself pregnant and taking photos of my own newborn. I couldn’t WAIT! I had preconception appointments to make sure my body was healthy. I had endocrinology appointments to get my hormones regulated (pesky tumor). I bought OPK (ovulation prediction kits) since my cycles were irregular from the tumor. Seeing the smiley face on the OPK when I did, I knew the medication kicked in and my hormones had regulated. Everything seemed like it was ‘right’. A few days later I started to feel really run down, nauseous and I constantly had to run to the bathroom. I felt pregnant. And then a week later I saw this:

As some of you know, I get up at 4am! I was so excited and I couldn’t believe my eyes. I also couldn’t celebrate alone. I thought of holding off and telling Jason in a sly way. I decided on asking him an opinion on a photo (something I’ve done countless times) and showing him the monitor with the above photo displayed. Now that you’ve read that and those that know me KNOW there was no way I could wait and hold it in that long. I laid back down in bed and I heard Jason say, “heeeyyyyy” so I blurted it out. 🙂 Then we both celebrated.

I started my list of things I’d need for the baby, breast pump, monitors, crib, stroller, car seats, etc. You know I just have to research safety ratings and consumer reports in addition to scoping the best deals and sale stalking. I’d think of the shirt I bought while deployed in GTMO and how I couldn’t wait because I was going to have a baby to put in it. 🙂 I started weaning myself from coffee, cut out diet coke (my addiction), could not stop drinking water and packed healthy snacks to get me through the day. I turned in at 8 and was surprised I’d last that long!

A good friend shared with me that she just found out she was pregnant and it turned out that we were both due in September. We were so excited that we’d share in it together! Then the same morning, despite my best efforts, I started bleeding not spotting, but bleeding. I couldn’t believe it. I tried to tell myself that I could stop it that there was a chance, but I knew it was already too late. There was too much blood. This time when I woke Jason at 4am I needed comfort. It was Uncle Marvin’s last day in town. He waited so long for a job and to get his life going again. He was excited for his new adventure and sad to leave Gibson. I didn’t want to take that away from him so I got ready for work and drove in. I waited anxiously for my doctor’s office to open and scheduled an appointment for that afternoon. I stopped at home to get Jason and we went in for my ultrasound together. There was nothing left of our baby except my thick uterine wall. Hearing the doctor tell me that it wasn’t my fault and there was nothing I could have done was reassuring. Every trip to the bathroom I’d ask myself, “why did my body fail me”. She told me that I was healthy and sometimes these things just happen, but there wasn’t anything to prevent us from having another baby.

I’d hear, “well you weren’t that far along” and act like it wasn’t a big deal. I’m grateful that I wasn’t farther along and that I didn’t have to have any other procedures and I know some women have had to deliver a baby they knew they’d never hear cry, but none of it takes away from the loss I feel. I didn’t fall in love with this baby when I saw the ‘pregnant’ in the test window. I fell in love with this baby when Jason and I decided to have another more than a year ago. I wanted this baby. I loved this baby and I cared for this baby. I dreamt of holding them, shopping for them and celebrating with our friends and family. I dreamt of Gibson being the most amazing big brother to this baby.

We’re trying again and I’m trying to keep from going crazy. I’m back to OPKs and hoping I’ll get a smiley face soon and hoping this baby will be strong enough to take us. I’m praying for my heart to heal and a baby to hold. I’m praying for a sibling my son can entertain and care for like I’ve seen him do with other kids. I hope you’ll all pray with us.

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